a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?