$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
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just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
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I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis