A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
