Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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