Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I currently don't understand fingers.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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