Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
