I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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