she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
