last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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