FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
