it's like iHOP with fire
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We had sex on a dog bed..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
