Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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