i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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