just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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