Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
