the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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