god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
