If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
