i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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