I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
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She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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