he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
