I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
