my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Rumble strips road head = magical
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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