She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
