just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
