i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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