Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
