remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
