My liver just broke up with me...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize