So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
