This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
