Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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