I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
