He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
