Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
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So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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