It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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