Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
