Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
