Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
