Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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