Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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