There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
