The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
