Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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