I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have aggressive nipples.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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