is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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