I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Randomize
