we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
