She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
