My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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