you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
