This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just had sex on a roof
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
