I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
