People in love make me want to vomit
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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