I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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