we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I AM VODKA MAN
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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