If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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