your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
