He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
