Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
