How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
