I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
